MENY
My biggest dream is to become a singer and songwriter. I´ve wanted it since I was 14 years old and maybe longer than that. I´m very ambitious and driven as a person and started to work really hard to achieve my goal. I played guitar and wrote songs every day and practised for hours in front of the mirror to perform. I did it because it was my passion and it fulfilled me. It made me feel a deeper meaning with things when I could create something from it.
I got lost in it though. Without being very conscious about it I started to feel a pressure to deliver and perform. It was not about being fun anymore and of course it can´t be fun all the time but I started playing for the wrong reason. It´s not worth the goal if the price is that you´re losing the meaning of it. My music teacher in high school told me that he never heard me talking about music as something fun and exciting. It was all about making a career. He said that I only wanted to be some kind of teenage star and had forgotten about the music itself. It was very true.
Now when I try to play I just get frustrated and bored. Most of the times I can´t come up with anything. It´s natural to feel uninspired but it´s been this was for like two years. I had a little upswing when I worked on a project with my old band and wrote some new songs but except from that, nothing. Maybe it´s partly because I have a new vision now. I want to create more electronic and don´t have the knowledge to do it yet. I´m still writing lyrics but have a hard time with the music.
Life has also gotten in the way. I moved to Berlin a year ago and had to deal with a lot of practical stuff like finding friends, a job and a place to live. It´s a big change in life which needs to be focused on. But my biggest reason for moving to Berlin was to develop as an artist. It´s the most important thing but it feels like I´ve just been boredom-depressed or hanging out with boys. But I guess it´s a meaning with that too and something I need to experience in my life.
A big decision I made to change this was to apply for music university here in Berlin. It´s a private school and is really expensive to attend. I´m really questioning myself for choosing this when I have the opportunity to study for free in Sweden. But I really want to live in Berlin so I think it´s worth it. I can´t go to a regular university here either because my german is far from good enough and this school is in english. I want to learn more and really put time and focus into my songwriting. I do this because I really want it and that´s why I need to give it a 100 procent. But I still need to remember what´s important and why I´m doing it. I don´t want to be a superstar like Madonna or Ariana Grande but I would love to make a record, go on tour and actually make enough money to live from it.
Me with my old band
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