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So they guy who stayed at my place left today. I think it´s best for both uf us since things gotten really weird. He found some new friends in Berlin that he´s going to stay at. But now he´s blocked me everywhere and that feels really weird. I can understand that he would like to forget this whole thing but he still owe me money and it´s a shitty thing to just leave like this. It makes me feel even more used. I can understand that he´s upset because he felt like I fooled him by asking him to come here and then take back my invitation but he fooled me too. He told me he wanted to date me and that he wouldn´t be with anyone else when he was here, but he did.
I´m feeling really weird about this whole situation but I know things could have gotten way worse. I think this is a a way for me to learn to not let people use me so easily. I like to be giving and open but there´s a limit for when it´s just stupid.
I just gotta move on from this and try to focus on myself again. I´m not in the mood for dating at all. It sucks so much and it´s been this way forever. I know that there´s a lot of good people and everything is a about time and connection but fuck this. I could give you a bible of my dating life this last year and it´s a mess and there´s a lot. I think a big reason for it has been my lack of friendships. That´s why I´ve been so much on tinder. I´ve been trying to find company because sometimes it´s faster to just hook up with someone rather than building up a friendship. But in this case I think it´s way more important to find real friends that you can trust rather than some guy who can give you some attention and company for the moment.
It all began with the ballet dancer guy who took me on a date and told me he wanted me to meet his cat and teach me german. I thought we clicked realy well, he went home with me and told me he wanted to see me the next week or even the next day. So he came over the night after and told me he broke up with his girlfriend a week ago and was a mess.
Then there was a philosophy guy who was really sweet and bought me vegan food when I stayed over. But he hardly had time to see me and we met up like once a week even though we lived in the same city. He was obsessed with writing his bachelor thesis. It´s really impressive that he was so passionate about it but It was driving me nuts. He almost only talked about the thesis. If I asked him how he was he told me how he´s thesis were doing.
After christmas i saw a model guy who loved asian girls but didn´t want anything serious. We hanged out anyways and he told me we that he really felt like we connected and that he could talk to me. So we talked, he wrote me all the time about his weird thoughts that I didn´t really understood but still was fascinated by. I came over for dinner and then watched him get ready to go on another date. But I still was so naive that I thought it could be something serious until he made it really clear to me that it wouldn´t. He´s a fun guy though and we´re still friends.
And then it was the cutest guy ever. He always had his arm over my shoulder when we walked around. He listened to Lil Peep and was really young and careless. He had no job or no plans and all he did was partying and trying to figure out life. It was driving me crazy that he was so bad at taking responsibility. He didn´t do the dishes unless I asked him too, he was always late and bad at taking emotional responsibility. But he was so cute and fun and charming and I know I acted like a mental person sometimes. I have a lot of abandonment issues and I was crying like crazy when I felt like he wanted to leave me. We´re also friends and he knows me in a way. Not because I told him about me but because he´ve seen it.
Then it was another philosophy guy. I had some thoughts about him being lame before we met but I thought he was super nice and charming. We saw each other a little and he really didn´t seem like a player but after a while he told me that he didn´t think we had so much in common. It´s ok to not have an interest in someone but he really acted like he did. And for what? To sleep with me? I actually tried him and wrote that I only was interested in a physical relationship wich he totally was up for. But I was done. It´s ok to have sex without love but for me I expect some kind of interest for me as a person.
In the beginning of the summer I met a guy who was 11 years older than me. I thought it could be a good idea since I thought a lot of the earlier problem was based on young and unserious guys. We where in different places in life though. He wanted everything to go really fast and asked me when I wanted to have children? I don´t understand why someone goes for a 20 years old if they want to build a family? Of course some people are ready at that age but looking at my life situation you can really tell that I´m not. He was also really controlling and always asked me if I had been or wanted to be with someone else. He pulled my dress down to protect "his stuff" and eventually dumped me because I exchanged numbre with a gay guy without talking to him first.
On top of this it´s a lot of boys and girls I just hooked up with. I´m open about this because I think it´s nothing to be ashamed of. I think everyone should be contious about why their dating or sleeping around though because for me it has partly been to get away from lonelyness. It´s ok but a bit unhealthy. It can be a lot of fun to just sleep around but it´s just rushes and you need more in life than that. And I´m not saying that is a long term relationship. You need good friends, a job or education that you´re passionate about and hobbies that fullfills you. The most important thing is to take care of yourself and your loved ones. Family and friends can be as much of a love as a romantic one. The difference is that the romantic ones often is more intese and you feel everything at the same moment which sometimes makes it feel stronger than other types of love.
After this it was the guy who came to live at my place. We´re actually texting at the moment and he tells me that he thinks I treated him bad and I understand that. I was really cold to him in the end and mean after he slept with the other girl. I can see his point of view and I hope that he can see mine. Now when we text I really feel like shit. I feel like a bad and mean person because he´s telling me I´ve been treating him bad. But I won´t make myself the victim here. I did a lot of shitty things and I will read his messages and learn from it. It´s ok to act stupid and do wrong as long as you stand for your actions and apologize for it.
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