MENY
I know that my a lot of my post is mostly about me lying home being low key depressed. I’m careful with using the word depression. I used to be really depressed two years ago and it was horrible. Now I feel way better in general. I have a lot of low days though. I think a big part of it is because of boredom. I have a hard time these days to keep up a normal everyday life. I don’t get up in the morning because I have nowhere to go and nothing to do. I’m suppose to do art but everything is shit. I need some routines because this is not good for my creativity and it’s not good for my health.
This last month I’ve spend with the guy. We had a lot of fun and I felt safe with him. But it’s only been him. Most of my friends are out of Berlin and school is not starting for two weeks. Im babysitting like once a week and work in fetish scene. I don’t think it works between me and him, I’m pretty sure it won’t. He wants an open relation and I don’t feel comfortable enough for that. Its something I’m curios about but I don’t think it fits me in life at the moment. I really need attention and want to feel special. He didn’t give me enough of that. I hope we can be friends in some way because he works together with me on the fetish scene and I like him so much.
I’m going insane though. These last days I’ve been screaming, throwing things and hitting the walls because it hurts so much inside. I like him so much because he don’t think I’m weird or creepy but I think it’s to much now.
Sometimes I feel so trapped in a state of mind I can’t see anything beyond it. I’m just so stuck in the feeling that it seems like I can’t feel anything else ever again. I know it goes away but I’m the worst moments it really feels like I can’t live like this and just want to disappear, like it’s not worth it.
I’m going to Sweden today. It’s 03:39 and I need to wake up in about two hours. I think it will be better when I get away to see my family and friends and then get back here and start school. These last three days I’ve been lying in my bed or fighting with the guy and it’s my whole world. I can’t have it this way.
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