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I´ve been thinking for a week that I haven´t updated the blog and the more I procrastinate the harder it feels. At the moment I´m not feeling so well but I´m still writing this. There´s no news that this place is full of my rants though. I´m so frustrated today because I went to my producer friend Arvid´s place to work on a song we had such a great flow on last week but today I was totally off. I really tried to work on it to come up with melody and text but I was empty. I felt so stressed and disappointed aslo because he also was excited about the song and we couldn´t move further. But at least we tried working on it and that´s what matters. I just feel frustrated that I can´t write anything but I´m sure better times are coming. There´s always a new creative flow around the corner, it sounds like bullshit to me in the state of mind I am now but I also know it´s true.
Sometimes I´m just completely empty of ideas and inspiration, most times I can work my way out of it but today I really couldn’t. Other times I just give up when things feel a little bit shit. I guess one of the reasons I felt so bad was because I was putting to much pressure on myself to write something good right then and there. I had some lyrics ideas I worked on before the session but I couldn´t make it come together.
Last week was mostly about watching Netflix, going to online classes and doing grocery shopping. I feel ok but I still miss creativity a lot. I painted a bit and played some music at home though so I´m trying. Just saying this gives me the instinctive feeling of telling myself to try harder and in one way I should but in another I should be glad I actually sat down just a little bit last week. Other weeks lately I haven´t played any music at all. I remember when I was a young teenager and not playing music for a few days was unthinkable. Well, times have changed and I´m way more bitter and self critical of my own creativity these days.
This morning I woke up early to go babysit the 2 year old boy. It´s so great that I´ve moved to the same neighbourhood as him so I can just walk to his house. We had a really cute morning. He got a new remote controlled tractor he was super thrilled about so we play with that and later went to the park. It was so sunny outside but due to the epidemic the playground where closed which was really disappointing for him. We saw other children and met a Swedish dad and his daughter and I thought about how I really want to have children in the future. I feel like I could be ready in about ten years, I´m 21 now so I think that fits good for the way I see my future. But I never know, things might change but as I feel right now it would be lovely to have kids someday. I think I could be a great mother.
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