MENY
03:30 am
I can´t sleep. I felt really low today. I was just tired and unmotivated. I tried to have a refund of a plane ticket that was cancelled. Me and Kaspar was supposed to go to Sweden but since it all feels to complicated we decided to stay here. It was just impossible to log into the booking and I kinda lost my shit. So I gave up and fell asleep and woke up later in the evening, I guess that´s why I´m awake now.
Everything is spinning around in my head and I can´t really focus. After my long nap i tried to write music. I think I came up with some ideas but mostly it just felt like shit. I feel so stuck about music at the moment but I feel a bit more motivated to try now than I´ve done in a while. There´s just been so much practical stuff going on and I haven´t been able to truly focus on creativity. And when I finally had the time I´m just to tired and stressed out to do anything. After that me and Kaspar did some painting. That also went kinda bad and I ended up feeling annoyed and unfulfilled. I really hate that feeling of wanting to create but being unable to. When I have things to let out but am unable to do so.
Later we watched the Taylor Swift documentary on Netflix. I´ve watched it once before and cried through the whole movie. I just love her music and artistry so much and it´s been such an important part of my life, both for me as an artist but also when it comes to love and self growth.
Before our gig in school at the Lamplight Session.
I want to become an artist or I am actually an artist in an early stage of my carrier. But my biggest self doubt is that I´m having such a hard time to write music. I can feel inspired a lot but have a hard time to create songs from it. It´s usually easier for me to write lyrics but to combine it with music is often hard. Sometimes I have a flow and it feels like everything is falling into place, but mostly it don´t. And it´s so frustrating and makes me feel empty and incomplete. I think I need to find a better work strategy for my songwriting. I need to be better at taking the time to sit down and try to write. My problem is now that I´m having so much hard feelings about my own songwriting that I have a bad feeling about picking up the guitar.
But I´m gonna try because I know that it´s worth it, because writing and playing music is the biggest joy of my life. And I need to remember that the joy and fulfilment is what I´m doing it for. I need to create something from the things I experience, feel and care about to make them truly mean something. That´s how I make my life feel real and meaningful. The deepest sense of my true self is the experience of myself as an artist.
My Indie band I had together with Manfred and Joel.
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